The Crow and the Scarecrow

“Good evening,” said the crow to the scarecrow.

“Booo,” responded the scarecrow.

“What kind of answer is that?” asked the crow.  “I’m trying to engage in a friendly conversation and you’re booing me.”

“Booo,” repeated the scarecrow.

“Booo?  Is that all you can say?”

The scarecrow reflected for a moment.  “It’s what I'm supposed to say.”

“You’re supposed to say booo?”

“I’m supposed to scare you.”

“Right,” said the crow and lowered its head.  “May I tell you something? I’ll come closer if you promise not to scare me." 

“I scare crows,” said the scarecrow. 

“And you’re mighty good at it, yessir!” said the crow as it hopped onto the scarecrow's extended forearm.  “In truth, if I ever was in need of a scarecrow you’d be the one I’d hire.”

“You’d hire me?”

“Indeed!”

“Why would you hire a scarecrow?”

The crow rolled its eyes. “Pesty neighbors, unexpected family visits just to mention a few.  There are times where someone of your stature would come in handy.”

“I’m not for hire.”

“What a shame but if you were you’d be the one I’d pick.”

“Thank you.”

The crow looked over his shoulder.  “Speaking of family…”  he inched his way towards the scarecrow and whispered:  “Not that I want to complain or anything…” he glanced over his shoulder again, “but they can be a handful, you know.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

"Know"

"Know what?"

“About your family being a handful.”

“Well now you do.”  The crow cleared its throat.  “Anyhow, as irritating as my family can be – and trust me they can – they’re still family.  The problem is that they’re hungry and when they’re hungry they get rather grumpy which doesn’t improve things.  Now there is all this corn around here but you're scaring them away.”

“That’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“I get that but having grumpy relatives is rather stressful as I’m sure you know.”

“I don't have relatives.”

“Well take my word for it.  So how about being a tidbit less scary for just a short while.  It would really improve my life.”

“I’m supposed to scare crows.”

“Right, but couldn’t you make an exception, I mean just for once?”

The scarecrow thought it over then said: “Scaring crows is my sole and only purpose. My existence would be meaningless if I didn’t scare you.”

“Well let me tell you that your life is full of meaning because you’re doing a most excellent job, at scaring crows and things . You’re one of the scariest scarecrows I have seen by far.”

A hint of a smile seemed to creep up on the scarecrow’s face but it could have been a shadow cast by the clouds.  “I'm the most advanced scarecrow on the market. The farmer had me special ordered.”

“And you are certainly worth every cent he spent on you.  I mean the most horrible Halloween mask pales in comparison to your scariness.”

The scarecrow’s chest seemed to puff up but it could simply have been the wind blowing through its shirt.  “I also come with a money back guarantee.”

The crow whistled:  “Most advanced indeed!” It hopped a little closer.  “So what kind of straw did they use for your hair?”

“The catalog only states straw.”

“It must be a special kind because its particular frizzyness gives you a most unusual and most scary appearance.  And these eyes...my are they red!”

“Ruby red according to the catalog.”

“Very piercing.  Gives me a shudder just to look at them.”

The scarecrow’s eyes seemed to glitter but it could have been a simple reflection from the setting sun.  “Apparently my predecessor only had buttons.” 

“Buttons, pah!”

“And his clothes were made of burlap sacks.”

“How pathetic.”

“And he had pieces of corn for teeth.” The scarecrow’s golden teeth seemed to flash but it could have been another reflection.

“No wonder the farmer got rid of him.”

“He didn’t even last a season.  A swarm of crows picked clean the crops while he was standing right here.”

“Must have been sleeping on the job.”

“It can get somewhat tedious staring over the fields all day.  Not that I would ever neglect my duty,’” the scarecrow quickly added.

“Of course not.  I can tell that you are most dedicated.  Most dedicated and vigilant.  Yes, sir.”

“I do take my job seriously.”

“Which is to scare crows.”

“Hence my name.”

The crow hopped onto the scarecrow’s forearm:  “Listen, regarding my family….”

The scarecrow didn’t flinch.  “As mentioned earlier they haven’t eaten in a while and their constant bickering is nerve-wracking.”  Still the scarecrow didn’t react.  “So I was thinking, this being a large field and such, would it be possible to let them nibble at just a few crops?  I know you take your job seriously and you are most excellent at it but …”

“I scare crows,” said the scarecrow. 

“Yes, you do indeed,” said the crow as it hopped onto the scarecrow’s shoulders.  “You are one mighty and scary scarecrow and that’s why I was thinking you might not mind if my family ate just a few pieces of corn.  I know any other scarecrow would deny my request but being such a mighty and scary scarecrow you probably have a different perspective on things.”

The scarecrow thought for a moment.  “Different how?”

The crow hopped onto the scarecrow’s nose.  “To start with you’re taller than the other scarecrows so you can see further.”

“That is true.”

“So this gives you a different perspective on things.”

Once more the scarecrow thought hard before answering:  “I guess that is correct.”

“And since you have a different perspective on things a few missing crops might not seem such a big deal in the overall scheme of things, given the size of the universe and such.  The universe is rather big you know.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well it is, trust me.”

“My job is to scare crows so they don’t eat the crops.”

“Okay, okay I get it.  You’re rather firm on that point. Where did you get the shirt by the way?  It gives you that rugged outdoorsy look.  Especially the torn sleeves.  Nice touch.”

“Thank you.”

 “Did you request for it to be plaid because I think that this is a most excellent choice.”

“It came with the box in which I was shipped.”

“And the classic overall pants.”  The crow whistled.  “Genius.”

“According to the box burgundy is a greater deterrent for birds.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said the crow as it hopped onto the scarecrow’s head.  “I’ve seen quite a few straw hats in my life but yours surely surpasses them all.  I assume it came with the box too.”

“Actually the hat belongs to the farmer.”

The crow whistled again.  “Nice touch, very nice and it compliments your complexion in the most exquisite way.  Did I tell you that my aunt Polly once had a hat?”

“No.”

“Well she did but it was too big for her.  Nice lady, real nice lady.  You would have liked her.”

“I don’t like crows.  I scare them.”

“Of course.  I meant you would have liked scaring her.”

“That is my job.”

“Indeed.”   The crow hopped back onto the scarecrow’s shoulders.  “Do you have any siblings?”

“No,” said the scarecrow. 

“Lucky you.  I have ten brothers and fourteen sisters. How about aunts or uncles?”

“No.”

“Seven aunts and sixteen uncles here.  Any children?”

“No.”

“You are one lucky fellow indeed.  I have twelve.  You have no idea what it means to raise twelve children.”

“No, I don’t.”

“So obviously no grandchildren.”

“Obviously.”

“Last time I counted there were twenty-three.  I stopped counting my nieces and nephews a long time ago.”  The crow sighed deeply.  “Well, anyway, it was nice chatting with you.  Hope to get scared by you again sometime.”  Then the crow flew onto a cornstalk and whistled.  “Okay everyone, time to pack it up.” At this a flock of crows emerged from the cornfields and gathered onto the nearest electric line. “So long,” said the crow and flew away. 

“Damn those crows and damn that useless scarecrow,” said the farmer as he looked over the empty field.  He tossed the scarecrow into the box. "Good thing it came with a money back guarantee.”

This tale is part of a collection of short stories I'm compiling under the title "Tales from the Wind." Hope it made you smile.  If so, feel free to share.  If not, the farmer is looking for a new scarecrow.